A Women's Journey

Christmas Mess

2007-01-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

Evan comes out of the kitchen with goo all over his hands, arms, face, and probably body. “Go to the bathroom!” I yell. “To the bathroom now and wash your hands.” He runs his sticky fingers along the arm of our already goober stained couch. “Evan, stop, listen, come on. Go-wash-your-hands.” As I physically and a bit forcefully direct him to the bathroom.

I don’t have time to do anything extra so when something like Christmas comes along my kids and my house get a good dose of neglect. My kids don’t mind, they enjoy causing the mischief that keeps me hopping.

After two weeks of preparing for a modest Christmas my walls, doors, cupboards, furniture, and carpet are covered in dirty little smudges. (I used to wonder how people managed to get their walls dirty.)

As I am trying to scrub the grime off of my white kitchen cupboards I hear the sound of a few hundred toy blocks being dumped onto the floor and then thrown through the air into walls, windows, and then faces. The crying begins. I pull myself up from the kitchen floor and break up the chaos. For the next thirty minutes I am instructing and encouraging the children to put the blocks back into the container, a job that would have taken me a mere five minutes to do myself.

I bend down, look my six year old in the eyes and try to explain. “Honey mommy really doesn’t like to clean so it would be nice if you and your brothers didn’t make such a big mess.” He looks at me smiling “Mommy your funny” He giggles as he slaps me playfully on the arm. This is his new saying for every thing. They just don’t get it.

Sleep Derprivation

2006-06-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

A dark feeling usually takes over me when I have missed one or more nights of sleep. In these moments I panic because any and all desire to mother my children is gone. The cure? A good nights rest if I can get one.

Early this morning, while the house was still quiet Evan crawled into my lap. We sat in front of his window waiting for the junior high marching band to pass our house—something they do every year in preparation for the forth of July parade. As Evan and I sat nestled together I found myself soaking in his soft skin. I hugged his pudgy body to mine and thought to myself. “ I am exactly where I want to be.” Amazing what a good nights rest does.

Anger Released

2006-06-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago, while I was waiting to turn left onto the street where I live, a man driving his car, about 35 miles an hour, smashed into the back of my car. The middle of my back caved in for a moment and my children screamed and cried for a good ten minutes. The hardest part has been that the man is denying responsibility. He is saying that I was backing up.

One week after the accident, when my husband was out of town and I was exhausted, I cried, no howled myself to sleep. I cried for everything that has happened over the last few years, one damn thing after another. It is not fair I kept saying. It is not fair.

The car accident woke a time bomb in me and let out all of the anger I had been avoiding. For about a week I was really uncomfortable with the feelings welling up inside me but I let the anger stay and run its course. For the first time I felt really angry about my children having disabilities. Allowing myself to be angry gave me energy and helped me heal in some way. This has been a surprising lesson. Resisting anger when it wells up in me drains my energy. No wonder I have been so tired.

The Battle

2006-06-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

The battle over the big wheel begins.

I try to convince Evan that the car is just as good if not better than the big wheel. Since his older brother shows no interest in the car Evan doesn't believe me.

Dylan is having a great time on the big wheel.

Evan sneaks a ride while Dylan isn't looking.

Dylan won't have it.

Not fair!

Time Out

2006-06-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

There are days when a little neglect of my children is healthy. Today will be one of those.

We were invited to a play date with some kids from our neighborhood. The neighbor kids are going to Gateway, an outdoor shopping center that just happens to have a huge and very fun water fountain. Normally I would go because the kids love it there. Well what I mean by normally is when I am up for intense, hyper focused action. It is hard to keep track of all three of my children in a public place like that. They like to bolt in all different directions.

I am proud of myself for recognizing that today isn’t the day to take on this adventure. We have been going non-stop for the last two weeks. Everyday we have had multiple appointments and endless errands. If I would have taken the boys on this outing today I would have just screamed at them.

Now they are playing out in the yard before it gets too hot. Today we will not be working on speech therapy or focused learning of any kind. My five year old will spend way too much time playing video games and my four-year-old (who has PDD) might spend too much time in his own world. They will eat too many popsicles and possibly cookies. Out of necessity we will be doing a bunch of sensory integration (wrestling, jumping, deep pressure and brushing) life will explode here if that isn’t part of our day.

No guilt today. Listening to my needs is a necessity if I don’t want to turn into a ranting lunatic in front of my children. Tomorrow we will venture out to the park and possibly the gym if the kids aren’t too wild. Tomorrow we will focus on speech therapy and learning to interact socially. Today we are chilling as much as possible, which won’t be much. Today we won’t think about disabilities or special needs. Today we will have fun and enjoy each other. The only sad thing is I would like to over indulge in green tea, 10 cups would be wonderful, but I only have enough for one.

2006-06-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Introduction

I am a mother of three little boys. I say mother first because this role takes up the majority of my waking and often when I should be sleeping time. Six years ago my husband and I had our first child. The delivery was anything but smooth. The doctors told us right away that our baby probably had a syndrome. Our son later received the diagnosis of FG syndrome.

Many things have happened over these last few years to send my head spinning, including my husband and I leaving our Mormon faith, a religion that I had dedicated my previous 15 years to. A few months ago my second son, now four years old, received a diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), which is a disorder on the autistic spectrum. My littlest boy, who is two, has mild PDD. All three boys have disabilities, are very smart, energetic, rambunctious, and sweet. They keep me hopping. Other little dramatic things have happened in between the big bangers, but as events build on each other even smaller dramas can feel blown out of proportion.

At times I feel like my life is in a whirl wind and I just can’t grasp it. Other times I feel the magnitude and power of the wonderful and exciting journey I am on to the center of my soul. Right now the word soul to me means the truest part of who I am. I have been avoiding who I really am for so long that I am a mystery to myself. It is my hope that on this journey I will figure out how to be the mother that my children need and stay sane doing it.